Max woke up hungry at 5am this morning. I woke to feed him and lay in bed struggling to fall back asleep. Nothing else would've been able to wake me up, yet, the soft sounds of Max crying does. I think that's part of why I love being a mom. That's a superpower that only women can hold and it is sacred to me. I laid in bed just that much longer than I did yesterday but the minutes have added up over the weeks. I now set my alarm for 6:55, with my clock 5 minutes fast now. I used to set it for 6:30 so I'd wake up before Max and spend time with him in the morning. Now i spend that extra time on myself, for sleep. I'm rushing more and more each day and each Monday morning I can feel the lag from the previous week. It's that much added weight and the amount compouds and grows incrimently over time. What's better than having your husband come home at 7am and you wake up to him being so excited to see you, more than anything else nothing could be more joyous in the world for him than him walking in the door seeing, his wife and son sleeping soundly awaiting his return. Doesn't that just make you feel so good. It's almost too good to imagine, it's near perfection for me. I'm too good at creating perfection in my life. I get what I want then I get boerd and try go create an even higher goal for myself to achieve because I can never be happy with what I have until after I don't have it anymore and I stive to find something better to forget about the past. Why? It just hurts that much deeper the next time. I need to learn quick from my mistakes but this is just taking me a really long time to figure out. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one that is damaged and I need more help but I'm so good at hiding it and pretending and faking it to make it that I forget what is reality and the false smile that I have put on my face. I wonder if I'm the one who has communication problems. If I'm the one that no one knows how to help. It might be appearant that I'm stuggling from a mental illness but no one knows how to approach it so they ignore it and leave me and anyone else feeling alone. I think once you have an illness it will be a life long battle. I won't go to counseling for a year then stop and be fixed forever. It never goes away.
So this next part is an entry from my journal. Jason and I met online through Facebook in January 2008. I found him interesting because he was in the military. I remembered learning in my Peace Education class that we should personalize things, it created passion for me. So when I looked at Jason's profile I realized he was in the military and was currently deployed. I was intriguied to I added him as a friend an started asking him about his job and what he was doing there and how he felt about it politically. Truth is, he didn't give a damn about politics he was just trying to stay alive...little did I know at the time. But he seemed glad to know I asked.
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