Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sebastian Junger on Good Morning America Tues, May 11th
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/video/soldiers-bond-war-10613102?tab=9482931§ion=1206825#
Sebastian Junger on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-may-11-2010/sebastian-junger
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Afghan war -- as it really is, Sebastian Junger's interview with Anderson Cooper on CNN
http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/05/11/junger.war.afghanistan/?hpt=T2
There is something about dark days that I like
I was daydreaming a lot today. It was cloudy yet it made all the greenness of the grass that much more vibrant. The contrast had a meditative effect on me, it was relaxing and comforting. I also like to breath the cleansed air after rain has fallen. It seems to take out all of the dust, pollen, and debris. I think there is something more that I like about dark days. It gives me the opportunity to appreciate what I do have that much more on a light day. Without my dark days I wouldn't have been able to learn what I have learned and I would not have had the experiences that made me wiser. I'm only just starting to understand how much knowledge that I hold. It is hard to manifest knowledge into wisdom by yourself. I know I need someone to bounce my thoughts off of to further understand them. Today was a good day. I spent the entire day with Max and just doing things for me. I did some reading, spoke with my best friend in South Africa, sat on the couch with my family for more than a 5 minute period, I got my oil changed, and even went to get myself some bubble bath! I'm going to be on a radio show tomorrow called 'PTSD Exposed,' which I am a little nervous about but at the same time very excited to share my story to let others know they're not alone.
This is from an e-mail that I wrote to someone I am starting to consider my mentor:
Thank you Mike, that really means a lot to me. I could've easily given up many times but I knew where it would take me, and it wasn't a good place. So I continued to reach out for help. Not many people were willing to REALLY listen. They cared but they just wanted to give a quick fix to the problems and not dig deeper into it with my husband and I. I've been realizing that it makes a huge difference to talk to someone who has experienced similar problems, others don't understand as well.
My husband read my blog yesterday and I think it really resonated with him. He didn't understand what I had been experiencing and said there's no way you could be going through what I am, but I think he feels differently now. He wrote me a letter yesterday before we had the chance to talk and he just said something interesting...it may be quoted from somewhere but it says 'the happiness in you life depends on the quality of your thoughts.' I'm still thinking about what that means exactly.
I know this is my story and what I've gone through but something that has really helped me to understand it all is Sebastian Junger's book 'War' it is based on my husband's platoon and just came out today. Well a quote from the book that really hit home for me is 'The Army might screw you and your girlfriend might dump you and the enemy might kill you, but the shared commitment to safeguard one another's lives is unnegotiable and only depeends with time. The willingness to die for another person is a form of love that even religions fails to inspire, and the experince of it changes a person profoundly.' I sent you the link to his interview that was on Good Morning America today...he said something else that intrigued me, well just the bonds the guys form and the need to feel like an essential part of something. It made me realize that for a long time I was doing things on my own and I could've been on my own and survived without Jason. It seems to me that these men come home and aren't 'needed' at home as the families have figured out how to survive without them, this creates huge problems when they need to feel needed. They miss the deepest feeling of love and are searching for it high and low. I love my husband so much because I know he knows what love is and has experienced it in its purest form. He has lived his life to such an extent that many people will never experience.
This is from an e-mail that I wrote to someone I am starting to consider my mentor:
Thank you Mike, that really means a lot to me. I could've easily given up many times but I knew where it would take me, and it wasn't a good place. So I continued to reach out for help. Not many people were willing to REALLY listen. They cared but they just wanted to give a quick fix to the problems and not dig deeper into it with my husband and I. I've been realizing that it makes a huge difference to talk to someone who has experienced similar problems, others don't understand as well.
My husband read my blog yesterday and I think it really resonated with him. He didn't understand what I had been experiencing and said there's no way you could be going through what I am, but I think he feels differently now. He wrote me a letter yesterday before we had the chance to talk and he just said something interesting...it may be quoted from somewhere but it says 'the happiness in you life depends on the quality of your thoughts.' I'm still thinking about what that means exactly.
I know this is my story and what I've gone through but something that has really helped me to understand it all is Sebastian Junger's book 'War' it is based on my husband's platoon and just came out today. Well a quote from the book that really hit home for me is 'The Army might screw you and your girlfriend might dump you and the enemy might kill you, but the shared commitment to safeguard one another's lives is unnegotiable and only depeends with time. The willingness to die for another person is a form of love that even religions fails to inspire, and the experince of it changes a person profoundly.' I sent you the link to his interview that was on Good Morning America today...he said something else that intrigued me, well just the bonds the guys form and the need to feel like an essential part of something. It made me realize that for a long time I was doing things on my own and I could've been on my own and survived without Jason. It seems to me that these men come home and aren't 'needed' at home as the families have figured out how to survive without them, this creates huge problems when they need to feel needed. They miss the deepest feeling of love and are searching for it high and low. I love my husband so much because I know he knows what love is and has experienced it in its purest form. He has lived his life to such an extent that many people will never experience.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Restless days and sleepless nights
I haven't been able to slow down today. I slept for about 3 hours last night and went in to work this morning. I made the decision to take some time off over the next two weeks to do a few things for myself. My therapist shared something with me that I've been trying to work on. When you wake up each morning think of 3 things that you'd like to accomplish that day. I've been struggling with this and either I feel guilty for not completing something because I set very high standards for myself. I try to choose simple things like completing my homework or reading. That's part of the reason I decided to spend a little time on myself. I'm constantly multi-tasking, I think that's synonymous with motherhood, but it is getting ridiculous. My memory is starting to fail me and I found myself feeling impatient with my son today, neither are good signs.
The aftermath
Shortly after my blog post, this is what I wrote:
So, I just had a very horrifying experience. I wrote about it on my blog, you should read my most recent post. I was tempted to call you but I just couldn't find the strength to be able to talk at the moment. Writing seemed to be a more soothing option. But I just knew you would understand. I kept thinking of friends I could call, but what would I say to them? That I was having a panic attack? They wouldn't know what to do for me, I doubt they even know the causes of panic attacks--my panic attack. And, I just didn't feel like talking. I have this feeling of being hung over right now. It is making me sleepy. I may or may not go to work tomorrow, it depends on how I am feeling. I know what just happened. I just experienced everything that my husband has been experiencing. It's PTSD. I think I just walked in his boots. Hopefully we can talk tomorrow.
Now I feel jittery. It's like I am breathing heavily for no reason. I also feel extremely alert and paranoid. Each time I close my eyes I hear a different sound whether it's a crack in the wood floor or the rumble of the furnace or the humming of refridgetator and then my heart kick starts into a sudden, rapid pace. It's like each time I try to find a different way to relax and calm myself something else happens inside of my body and I have no control over it.
This morning when I woke up I didn't initially open my eyes. I felt as if I hadn't even slept and that I just turned my mind off for a while and closed my eyes. I didn't want to open my eyes because I was frightened about those feelings and experiences not going away. They didn't. I feel all shook up and discombobulated. I get surges of energy and I feel anxious and somewhat hyper. Then it goes away and I found myself looking for something to create that feeling so I could keep moving on through the day. I have a slight tremble through my body and my hands shake subtly.
So, I just had a very horrifying experience. I wrote about it on my blog, you should read my most recent post. I was tempted to call you but I just couldn't find the strength to be able to talk at the moment. Writing seemed to be a more soothing option. But I just knew you would understand. I kept thinking of friends I could call, but what would I say to them? That I was having a panic attack? They wouldn't know what to do for me, I doubt they even know the causes of panic attacks--my panic attack. And, I just didn't feel like talking. I have this feeling of being hung over right now. It is making me sleepy. I may or may not go to work tomorrow, it depends on how I am feeling. I know what just happened. I just experienced everything that my husband has been experiencing. It's PTSD. I think I just walked in his boots. Hopefully we can talk tomorrow.
Now I feel jittery. It's like I am breathing heavily for no reason. I also feel extremely alert and paranoid. Each time I close my eyes I hear a different sound whether it's a crack in the wood floor or the rumble of the furnace or the humming of refridgetator and then my heart kick starts into a sudden, rapid pace. It's like each time I try to find a different way to relax and calm myself something else happens inside of my body and I have no control over it.
This morning when I woke up I didn't initially open my eyes. I felt as if I hadn't even slept and that I just turned my mind off for a while and closed my eyes. I didn't want to open my eyes because I was frightened about those feelings and experiences not going away. They didn't. I feel all shook up and discombobulated. I get surges of energy and I feel anxious and somewhat hyper. Then it goes away and I found myself looking for something to create that feeling so I could keep moving on through the day. I have a slight tremble through my body and my hands shake subtly.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day but what just happened to me!?!?
I was feeling better today after having spent quality time with my son, mom, grandma, and mother-in-law. Happy Mother's Day. With each Mother's Day, I feel that I will grow stronger and wiser. I have a new appreciation for my own mother and mother-in-law after today, my first Mother's Day. I attended a Mother's Day Peace Luncheon today where Max experienced his first live 'concert.' Here's an interesting piece of history, did you know Mother's Day was founded by Julia Ward How in 1870? My understanding is that it was esentially started as a result of mother's losing their children in war. What could be more painful than losing a child? I don't believe there is anything that could be more devestating.
I've been connecting with many families and veterans advocates lately. I feel I am gaining traction in the movement and have come to an understanding of PTSD and what it does to families, on the front lines of civilian life. It all happened so fast. I felt the need to write immediately before the pounding disappeared. I'm not sure what I just experienced but this is what happened. I was watching a video about the life of a mother whose son is serving time (NOT in the military, but jail) for a series of events that led him to receive multiple charges. There came a point in the video that was being narrated by a family member when they mentioned the young veteran to be referencing Iraq and had pulled out a gun. At that point I had to stop watching. I went back into my own experiences.
This past January my husband received his second DUI. We had gone out with some friends that night. At this point, I thought he was doing ok so I though it would be acceptable to have a drink with him. He took this the wrong way. He ended up drinking a massive amount of alcohol in a short period of time. We left around 2am. My husband got in the driver's seat of the car and refused to move. Two of our friends were in the back seat of the car and I though they were crazy for being willing to be in the car while he was operating the vehicle. I refused to step foot in the car, I even started walking away and had dialed the number to a cab company. They kept yelling for me to get in the car and that everything would be okay and why was I mad and not trusting him to drive. It came the point where I was scared what might happen if I didn't get in the car so I did. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for even getting in. I buckled my seat belt and prayed. At this point, my husband was quite angry. The last thing I clearly remember is him slamming his foot on the gas pedal.
The next thing I knew we were pulling over on the side of the road while half of the car was screeching as it dragged along the concrete. Our friends were yelling the back seat and hitting him telling him to stop and pull over. I kept unbuckling and rebuckling my seat belt not knowing if I should jump out of the moving car or wait to see what we might hit next. Finally, we came to a stop. I jumped out of the car and sat on the ground in silence. I was in a state of shock. I felt paralyzed I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't think. We all left the site of the accident, except my husband. He wouldn't leave his car. He kept talking about Afghanistan and how he was just trying to save us and mumbling other things that I can't even recall. He said that's how he drove in Afghanistan so he saw nothing wrong with it.
This is one experience of how I have experienced the first hand effects of PTSD. Things like this became normal to me and I just expected them to happen. Each day I would wait for a phone call or text about the most recent happening. I've been going through my journal lately and posting some entrieds on this blog. I have been feeling anxious about getting to more difficult stories such as the one I shared above because the fear I have about reliving the experience. Well, I just did.
I went on Facebook shortly after to waste some time. I found a post that just made me livid. I found it to be so utterly ignorant and I responded out of pure anger to the lack of respect and compassion that it seemed to carry in just those few words. Again, I went upstairs to relax. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, a habit that I have acquired with all of the stress which I have been denying. I started to read a book while smoking and found myself to build on that anger that I had just experienced. I just felt my body become tense and my vision became blurry and I felt like I had no control. Again, I found myself feeling paralyzed but at this point I was ready to leave to go somewhere and do something. What, I have no idea. I just wanted to go for the sake of going. I could feel the blood pumping through my body. There seemed so be something crawling just beneath the surface of my skin and I had to keep rubbing my face, neck and shoulders to focus on my breathing. I was scared.
I went inside to catch my breath and took a long bath. The pounding, breathing, and blurriness continued for the next 15 minutes. I was starting to feel anxious and I just wanted it to stop. What was happening to me. My head was spinning. My mind felt like it was going to errupt. After a few minutes of deep breathing I finally calmed myself. I got out of the bath and decided to find something to eat.
I decided that I wanted some ice cream, I thought it would cool me down. So, I opened the freezer and could not find the ice cream that I had bought for myself just a few days earlier. I felt a sudden sense of rage. I was angry and just started frantically seraching through the freezer. The container was not where I had left it. At this point I just felt like I was going crazy. Why was I so mad about stupid ice cream!?!? I finally found the container, but it was nearly gone. That was it. I had enough.
Here I am now just laying in my bed. My body feels utterly exhausted as if I had just run a marathon. My muscles sore from tensing up and relaxing, without having warmed up or stretched out. I feel like there are rakes pulling beneath my eys but I do not want to go to sleep. I don't think I would sleep right now even if I laid in bed with my eyes closed. I don't know if I want to sleep. I actually want to keep wathing more videos, I kind of liked the feeling of my skin crawling-the intensity. Why would I want to do that to myself. Right now, I feel I am having a conversation with between two different people. The logical, rational me and the 'other' me that I just experienced. I feel as if I am fighting myself. I don't know how I am going to make it through the day tomorrow, I don't want to go to work. Now, I just feel like I'm coming off a high, like from the funny gas that the dentist gives you. I feel confused, disoriented and out of place. I am tempted to erase everything that I just wrote out of some unidentifiable compulsion, but I won't. I'm going to try to sleep right now.
I've been connecting with many families and veterans advocates lately. I feel I am gaining traction in the movement and have come to an understanding of PTSD and what it does to families, on the front lines of civilian life. It all happened so fast. I felt the need to write immediately before the pounding disappeared. I'm not sure what I just experienced but this is what happened. I was watching a video about the life of a mother whose son is serving time (NOT in the military, but jail) for a series of events that led him to receive multiple charges. There came a point in the video that was being narrated by a family member when they mentioned the young veteran to be referencing Iraq and had pulled out a gun. At that point I had to stop watching. I went back into my own experiences.
This past January my husband received his second DUI. We had gone out with some friends that night. At this point, I thought he was doing ok so I though it would be acceptable to have a drink with him. He took this the wrong way. He ended up drinking a massive amount of alcohol in a short period of time. We left around 2am. My husband got in the driver's seat of the car and refused to move. Two of our friends were in the back seat of the car and I though they were crazy for being willing to be in the car while he was operating the vehicle. I refused to step foot in the car, I even started walking away and had dialed the number to a cab company. They kept yelling for me to get in the car and that everything would be okay and why was I mad and not trusting him to drive. It came the point where I was scared what might happen if I didn't get in the car so I did. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for even getting in. I buckled my seat belt and prayed. At this point, my husband was quite angry. The last thing I clearly remember is him slamming his foot on the gas pedal.
The next thing I knew we were pulling over on the side of the road while half of the car was screeching as it dragged along the concrete. Our friends were yelling the back seat and hitting him telling him to stop and pull over. I kept unbuckling and rebuckling my seat belt not knowing if I should jump out of the moving car or wait to see what we might hit next. Finally, we came to a stop. I jumped out of the car and sat on the ground in silence. I was in a state of shock. I felt paralyzed I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't think. We all left the site of the accident, except my husband. He wouldn't leave his car. He kept talking about Afghanistan and how he was just trying to save us and mumbling other things that I can't even recall. He said that's how he drove in Afghanistan so he saw nothing wrong with it.
This is one experience of how I have experienced the first hand effects of PTSD. Things like this became normal to me and I just expected them to happen. Each day I would wait for a phone call or text about the most recent happening. I've been going through my journal lately and posting some entrieds on this blog. I have been feeling anxious about getting to more difficult stories such as the one I shared above because the fear I have about reliving the experience. Well, I just did.
I went on Facebook shortly after to waste some time. I found a post that just made me livid. I found it to be so utterly ignorant and I responded out of pure anger to the lack of respect and compassion that it seemed to carry in just those few words. Again, I went upstairs to relax. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, a habit that I have acquired with all of the stress which I have been denying. I started to read a book while smoking and found myself to build on that anger that I had just experienced. I just felt my body become tense and my vision became blurry and I felt like I had no control. Again, I found myself feeling paralyzed but at this point I was ready to leave to go somewhere and do something. What, I have no idea. I just wanted to go for the sake of going. I could feel the blood pumping through my body. There seemed so be something crawling just beneath the surface of my skin and I had to keep rubbing my face, neck and shoulders to focus on my breathing. I was scared.
I went inside to catch my breath and took a long bath. The pounding, breathing, and blurriness continued for the next 15 minutes. I was starting to feel anxious and I just wanted it to stop. What was happening to me. My head was spinning. My mind felt like it was going to errupt. After a few minutes of deep breathing I finally calmed myself. I got out of the bath and decided to find something to eat.
I decided that I wanted some ice cream, I thought it would cool me down. So, I opened the freezer and could not find the ice cream that I had bought for myself just a few days earlier. I felt a sudden sense of rage. I was angry and just started frantically seraching through the freezer. The container was not where I had left it. At this point I just felt like I was going crazy. Why was I so mad about stupid ice cream!?!? I finally found the container, but it was nearly gone. That was it. I had enough.
Here I am now just laying in my bed. My body feels utterly exhausted as if I had just run a marathon. My muscles sore from tensing up and relaxing, without having warmed up or stretched out. I feel like there are rakes pulling beneath my eys but I do not want to go to sleep. I don't think I would sleep right now even if I laid in bed with my eyes closed. I don't know if I want to sleep. I actually want to keep wathing more videos, I kind of liked the feeling of my skin crawling-the intensity. Why would I want to do that to myself. Right now, I feel I am having a conversation with between two different people. The logical, rational me and the 'other' me that I just experienced. I feel as if I am fighting myself. I don't know how I am going to make it through the day tomorrow, I don't want to go to work. Now, I just feel like I'm coming off a high, like from the funny gas that the dentist gives you. I feel confused, disoriented and out of place. I am tempted to erase everything that I just wrote out of some unidentifiable compulsion, but I won't. I'm going to try to sleep right now.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Things always seem to get worse before they get better
This week was extremely difficult for me. I am always tired, no matter what I do. Sleep seems to be the only thing that I can enjoy lately despite the fact that I still feel tired when I wake up. I also tend to write at night, before I go to bed, to literally get things off my mind. I do this hoping that I will be able to have more restful sleep. It seems to work, I just have to find the actual motivation and energy to write. It takes a lot to be able to sit, focus, capture thoughts and then transfer them into words. I'm still trying to figure out why this week was so extremely difficult for me. It was an all time low. I could've easily laid in bed all week doing abosolutely nothing and would've been happy not talking to anyone. The thing is, there didn't seem to be any appearant external force that would perpetuate my feelings of despair. So where does it come from? I'm trying to figure it out...I think it is a matter of all of accepting the past and accepting things as they are and letting them go. Holding on to them creates stress. But why is it so hard to let go of these things? The memories will be their but the emotions attached to them. How can I continue to grow and progess with such heavy weights holding me down?
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