There is something about dark days that I like

I was daydreaming a lot today. It was cloudy yet it made all the greenness of the grass that much more vibrant. The contrast had a meditative effect on me, it was relaxing and comforting. I also like to breath the cleansed air after rain has fallen. It seems to take out all of the dust, pollen, and debris. I think there is something more that I like about dark days. It gives me the opportunity to appreciate what I do have that much more on a light day. Without my dark days I wouldn't have been able to learn what I have learned and I would not have had the experiences that made me wiser. I'm only just starting to understand how much knowledge that I hold. It is hard to manifest knowledge into wisdom by yourself. I know I need someone to bounce my thoughts off of to further understand them. Today was a good day. I spent the entire day with Max and just doing things for me. I did some reading, spoke with my best friend in South Africa, sat on the couch with my family for more than a 5 minute period, I got my oil changed, and even went to get myself some bubble bath! I'm going to be on a radio show tomorrow called 'PTSD Exposed,' which I am a little nervous about but at the same time very excited to share my story to let others know they're not alone.

This is from an e-mail that I wrote to someone I am starting to consider my mentor:

Thank you Mike, that really means a lot to me. I could've easily given up many times but I knew where it would take me, and it wasn't a good place. So I continued to reach out for help. Not many people were willing to REALLY listen. They cared but they just wanted to give a quick fix to the problems and not dig deeper into it with my husband and I. I've been realizing that it makes a huge difference to talk to someone who has experienced similar problems, others don't understand as well.

My husband read my blog yesterday and I think it really resonated with him. He didn't understand what I had been experiencing and said there's no way you could be going through what I am, but I think he feels differently now. He wrote me a letter yesterday before we had the chance to talk and he just said something interesting...it may be quoted from somewhere but it says 'the happiness in you life depends on the quality of your thoughts.' I'm still thinking about what that means exactly.

I know this is my story and what I've gone through but something that has really helped me to understand it all is Sebastian Junger's book 'War' it is based on my husband's platoon and just came out today. Well a quote from the book that really hit home for me is 'The Army might screw you and your girlfriend might dump you and the enemy might kill you, but the shared commitment to safeguard one another's lives is unnegotiable and only depeends with time. The willingness to die for another person is a form of love that even religions fails to inspire, and the experince of it changes a person profoundly.' I sent you the link to his interview that was on Good Morning America today...he said something else that intrigued me, well just the bonds the guys form and the need to feel like an essential part of something. It made me realize that for a long time I was doing things on my own and I could've been on my own and survived without Jason. It seems to me that these men come home and aren't 'needed' at home as the families have figured out how to survive without them, this creates huge problems when they need to feel needed. They miss the deepest feeling of love and are searching for it high and low. I love my husband so much because I know he knows what love is and has experienced it in its purest form. He has lived his life to such an extent that many people will never experience.