The aftermath

Shortly after my blog post, this is what I wrote:

So, I just had a very horrifying experience. I wrote about it on my blog, you should read my most recent post. I was tempted to call you but I just couldn't find the strength to be able to talk at the moment. Writing seemed to be a more soothing option. But I just knew you would understand. I kept thinking of friends I could call, but what would I say to them? That I was having a panic attack? They wouldn't know what to do for me, I doubt they even know the causes of panic attacks--my panic attack. And, I just didn't feel like talking. I have this feeling of being hung over right now. It is making me sleepy. I may or may not go to work tomorrow, it depends on how I am feeling. I know what just happened. I just experienced everything that my husband has been experiencing. It's PTSD. I think I just walked in his boots. Hopefully we can talk tomorrow.

Now I feel jittery. It's like I am breathing heavily for no reason. I also feel extremely alert and paranoid. Each time I close my eyes I hear a different sound whether it's a crack in the wood floor or the rumble of the furnace or the humming of refridgetator and then my heart kick starts into a sudden, rapid pace. It's like each time I try to find a different way to relax and calm myself something else happens inside of my body and I have no control over it.

This morning when I woke up I didn't initially open my eyes. I felt as if I hadn't even slept and that I just turned my mind off for a while and closed my eyes. I didn't want to open my eyes because I was frightened about those feelings and experiences not going away. They didn't. I feel all shook up and discombobulated. I get surges of energy and I feel anxious and somewhat hyper. Then it goes away and I found myself looking for something to create that feeling so I could keep moving on through the day. I have a slight tremble through my body and my hands shake subtly.