I was feeling better today after having spent quality time with my son, mom, grandma, and mother-in-law. Happy Mother's Day. With each Mother's Day, I feel that I will grow stronger and wiser. I have a new appreciation for my own mother and mother-in-law after today, my first Mother's Day. I attended a Mother's Day Peace Luncheon today where Max experienced his first live 'concert.' Here's an interesting piece of history, did you know Mother's Day was founded by Julia Ward How in 1870? My understanding is that it was esentially started as a result of mother's losing their children in war. What could be more painful than losing a child? I don't believe there is anything that could be more devestating.
I've been connecting with many families and veterans advocates lately. I feel I am gaining traction in the movement and have come to an understanding of PTSD and what it does to families, on the front lines of civilian life. It all happened so fast. I felt the need to write immediately before the pounding disappeared. I'm not sure what I just experienced but this is what happened. I was watching a video about the life of a mother whose son is serving time (NOT in the military, but jail) for a series of events that led him to receive multiple charges. There came a point in the video that was being narrated by a family member when they mentioned the young veteran to be referencing Iraq and had pulled out a gun. At that point I had to stop watching. I went back into my own experiences.
This past January my husband received his second DUI. We had gone out with some friends that night. At this point, I thought he was doing ok so I though it would be acceptable to have a drink with him. He took this the wrong way. He ended up drinking a massive amount of alcohol in a short period of time. We left around 2am. My husband got in the driver's seat of the car and refused to move. Two of our friends were in the back seat of the car and I though they were crazy for being willing to be in the car while he was operating the vehicle. I refused to step foot in the car, I even started walking away and had dialed the number to a cab company. They kept yelling for me to get in the car and that everything would be okay and why was I mad and not trusting him to drive. It came the point where I was scared what might happen if I didn't get in the car so I did. I feel ashamed and embarrassed for even getting in. I buckled my seat belt and prayed. At this point, my husband was quite angry. The last thing I clearly remember is him slamming his foot on the gas pedal.
The next thing I knew we were pulling over on the side of the road while half of the car was screeching as it dragged along the concrete. Our friends were yelling the back seat and hitting him telling him to stop and pull over. I kept unbuckling and rebuckling my seat belt not knowing if I should jump out of the moving car or wait to see what we might hit next. Finally, we came to a stop. I jumped out of the car and sat on the ground in silence. I was in a state of shock. I felt paralyzed I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I couldn't think. We all left the site of the accident, except my husband. He wouldn't leave his car. He kept talking about Afghanistan and how he was just trying to save us and mumbling other things that I can't even recall. He said that's how he drove in Afghanistan so he saw nothing wrong with it.
This is one experience of how I have experienced the first hand effects of PTSD. Things like this became normal to me and I just expected them to happen. Each day I would wait for a phone call or text about the most recent happening. I've been going through my journal lately and posting some entrieds on this blog. I have been feeling anxious about getting to more difficult stories such as the one I shared above because the fear I have about reliving the experience. Well, I just did.
I went on Facebook shortly after to waste some time. I found a post that just made me livid. I found it to be so utterly ignorant and I responded out of pure anger to the lack of respect and compassion that it seemed to carry in just those few words. Again, I went upstairs to relax. I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, a habit that I have acquired with all of the stress which I have been denying. I started to read a book while smoking and found myself to build on that anger that I had just experienced. I just felt my body become tense and my vision became blurry and I felt like I had no control. Again, I found myself feeling paralyzed but at this point I was ready to leave to go somewhere and do something. What, I have no idea. I just wanted to go for the sake of going. I could feel the blood pumping through my body. There seemed so be something crawling just beneath the surface of my skin and I had to keep rubbing my face, neck and shoulders to focus on my breathing. I was scared.
I went inside to catch my breath and took a long bath. The pounding, breathing, and blurriness continued for the next 15 minutes. I was starting to feel anxious and I just wanted it to stop. What was happening to me. My head was spinning. My mind felt like it was going to errupt. After a few minutes of deep breathing I finally calmed myself. I got out of the bath and decided to find something to eat.
I decided that I wanted some ice cream, I thought it would cool me down. So, I opened the freezer and could not find the ice cream that I had bought for myself just a few days earlier. I felt a sudden sense of rage. I was angry and just started frantically seraching through the freezer. The container was not where I had left it. At this point I just felt like I was going crazy. Why was I so mad about stupid ice cream!?!? I finally found the container, but it was nearly gone. That was it. I had enough.
Here I am now just laying in my bed. My body feels utterly exhausted as if I had just run a marathon. My muscles sore from tensing up and relaxing, without having warmed up or stretched out. I feel like there are rakes pulling beneath my eys but I do not want to go to sleep. I don't think I would sleep right now even if I laid in bed with my eyes closed. I don't know if I want to sleep. I actually want to keep wathing more videos, I kind of liked the feeling of my skin crawling-the intensity. Why would I want to do that to myself. Right now, I feel I am having a conversation with between two different people. The logical, rational me and the 'other' me that I just experienced. I feel as if I am fighting myself. I don't know how I am going to make it through the day tomorrow, I don't want to go to work. Now, I just feel like I'm coming off a high, like from the funny gas that the dentist gives you. I feel confused, disoriented and out of place. I am tempted to erase everything that I just wrote out of some unidentifiable compulsion, but I won't. I'm going to try to sleep right now.
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