Actually learning from your mistakes

So, I picked up copy of the Shepered Express today- a weekly city-wide print publication. I flipped through it, and whenever I read newspapers, I always check for a horoscope. I'm a Gemini, my horoscope reading for this week was, "Would you really prefer it if you had no problems? Do you imagine you'd enjoy life more if everything was pure fun and smoothly easy? Here's an astrological perspective: People who have an overabundance out to be lucky but lazy bums who never accomplish much. So I say, be thankful for the complications that are visiting you. I bet they will make a man out of you if you're a woman, or a woman out of you if you're a man. If you're white then it will help you get blacker, if they're black, it will make you whiter. Catch my drift? As you do your best to solve the knotty riddle, you'll become better balanced and more versatile than folks who are rarely challenged."

It could't be more ironic.

I have earned the right to be erratic and irrational

I haven't been able to keep up with my own thoughts lately. I'm too slow for my own mind. Our minds are amazing. It makes me think about how we can treat those with mental illness like trash but if someone had cancer we don't dare insult them. I've recently been introduced to a new way to look at it...the brain is an organ, like any organ that my be infected with cancer, and it is affected by different chemical balances/inbalances in the body from a huge array of things like levels of stress, lack of sleep, poor nutrition- the problems exponentially grow. No one chooses to have a mental illness, just as no one would wish for cancer. Think about your 5 closest friends. Say their names outloud to yourself while you count on your fingers. Statistics say that at least one of them is suffering form some degree of a mental illness. Think about it a little bit more, are there signs or symptoms that you have noticed or picked up on? What have you don about it? I think that's the problem with our society, we pretty much knowingly ignore the signs and symptoms more often than not. What about prevention? I could go on and on. I was thinking today about a right that I feel I have earned. When you become a mother there are certian things you are entitled to, when you become a grandparent the same, etc etc They are unspoken, yet widely accepted things for the most part. Like the grandma is going to spoil her grandchildren rotten because she can and doesn't have to deal with the disciplinary issues surrounding her actions, must be nice. One of these unspoken things is that I feel I have earned with my title as a military spouse is the right to be erratic and irrational, but it's accepted with a mutual understanding of where it is coming from (sometimes). I think it is a coping mechanism, for me anyways. It's interesting to go back and read my journal from over 2 years ago and try to feel like I was feeling then.

On May 15, 2008 at 11:55pm this is what I had to say: So right now I'm waitin for Jmo (one of Jaosn's nicknames) to come back online...he's leaving to go out on a two week mission again in like 10 hours (9.5 hours ahead of time in Afghanistan right now). So, I've come to the partical conclusion that love...or wait, rephrase...that I'm trying to transcend physical need/want and attachment. I'm not sure how to put it in words, but to feel connected to someone on such a level without ever meeting them. I think it's that we're attached to ideas, memories and thoughts of the future. My imagination has been taking this one on a trip...it's funny we just ask/answer questions. It's very much a bonding kind of thing...he thinks I'm funny for just taking it this far with a stranger, but I feel like I know him. I think he's helping me to know and understand myself better, through the development of our relationship, just in general. It's just helping me realize that there is more to having a human relationship that just merely doing actual activities togehter, it's how we socialize and commmunicate kind of going back to the idea that "happiness is only real when shared." He seems like the type that wants to share. I just feel like the stars lined up at a certain moment for us to have started talking, no matter what happens in the end, I think talking to him is helping me overcome my own ego, jealousy and attachment. I'm also being very patient and just thinking about it one day at a time, not allowing it to make or break my day, but just being here now. I still wonder about the idea that young women are attracted to people that are like their dads...it's kinda proven true for me so far, give or take. Fate or free will? Where is the fork in the road or do they work together and complement each other or are they opposing forces?

At the time, I'm not sure I knew what I was writing, but looking back at it now it is much more profound than I originally even thought. Hmm...I'll have to let this marinade a little.

A poem that I wrote

From Friday, October 31st 2008 7:55pm...whenever I write something I always not the day and time. I'm not sure why?

its hard to share property with the army
they own your rights
i have your heart
it takes alot of courage will and might
for you and i to be apart
maybe im not so strong but i want to be im trying to be
its flusters me and makes me cry
its not always you its also me
its hard for me to know that you dont trust me 100%
i really need that to get through this stress
and i think it would also lessen yours
were still getting to know each other
and i want no part of me to be a mystery
i dont think that means we should be able to read each others minds
but it would better allow for our love not to be smothered
tell me how youre feeling
let me know exactly what your thinking
it may hurt but it needs to be said
and i promise to do the same
i dont want to hurt you when i say something i may be thinking
it may be stupid or obsurd or just a thought that has crossed my mind
i think love is like a burning flame
it feeds on oxygen
and when we use so much breath through negative words it makes the flame flicker and sway
i want it to always be burning strong
maybe that wont always happen but i will always stay
i only want to be married once
thats all ive ever wanted and thats all i ever intended
when the flames energy supply is cut off its suffocating our love
i am proud to be an army spouse
i am now part of the army
i think it was bound to happen for me that way
i could never have joined so i married into it
i want to learn about it i want to understand it i want to support you
i love you
but the army owns you
i dont want to fight with the army in you but better function in a type of co-existence with it as best as i can
i believe in you and your decisions
i am with you for the long haul
change is hard
especially quick change
i think im having a hard time dealing with change
but i love change
im always ready and eager for more
maybe im always looking for change or new ways to do things
trying to be constructive and innovative and creative
i think i get my points across better in metaphor
i like to sit and contemplate so that when i do say something it comes out just the way i want it with just the right meaning
i dont mean to ignore you or not respond to you i just want to tell you accurately how im feeling or thinking
i dont want to insult you with it i want you to understand me, really understand me
you said youself that you dont understand every part of me
i dont understand every part of myself
i have this yearning to want to know everything about something
i dont have a very good, concentrated focus and my mind wanders and wonders
its weird cuz i also fear change, and that change may be bad
every experience in life changes me, even simple things
im constantly trying to learn things
i think i dont let myself learn that way though, and ill take the same approach twice unknowingly
i have a long fused temper
im patient and understanding or will do my best to understand anyways trough my own experiences
i love affection and little things like coke slushies and holding hands
i love touch and warmth
did i menyion how much i like affection
even though sea turtles may not be so soft and snuggly
i value your honesty and integrity and need to be protective
maybe i dont always accept it out of my own pride and dignity
but were married
i want to know you inside out
upside down
sideways
vertically
horizontally
backwards
and every way
i want you to experience more happiness and more joy each day
you make me whole
you are the bees knees
yhe cats pajamas
the apple of my eye
were good together like peanut buter and jelly
i like odd combinations of food
i get walked on like a floor mat sometimes
other times i welcome people like you into my heart and soul
your polite
you put down the toilet seat and wipe your feet and take off yoiur shoes before stepping on my mat
i hope this mat makes some people realize that theyre not polite when they walk on it
maybe not now but someday i can hope
im philosophical and like abstract conversations and ideas
i feed on ways to describe things better to make my own sense of them
i communicate best through written word
i love communication and effective communication
im open minded and my ears are always open and my eyes always wandering looking seeking discovering observing
maybe im just easily distracted
i think i was put on this earth just for you and you only
i want you to know that i am only yours in a way no one else will ever experience
i may exchange words or thouhgts or have common experiences with others but thats doesnt change me belonging to you
i dont want you to be my property but my home
home is where the heart is, the say who ever the hell they is, i may never know
i think were doing some things a little out of order
i think that makes it a little more difficult for us
and for others to understand
but when things get completed it will only get better
and well have more order and direction
i like talking to myself like this
but at the same time im conveying so much to you
my heart pounds harder and faster when i know youre not feeling balanced and that were misunderstanding each other
i think maybe alot of things we say are miscommunicated and what we mean is misinterpreted
i have a quick relapse rate
i dont like to linger
i like moving forward and onward and to the future
to the unknown
its scares me sometimes but yet its thrilling
the possibilites
i want to make you proud
i want what we are to be ours
no one elses
i think the first years are going to be the most difficult
i think we are going to struggle to hang on
i need to tighten my grip
i need to be stronger for all of this
sometimes i think you need to be a little softer
i know you are but you want to be strong for me and show me how to be strong
but i like knowing that your softer too
you fit part of my puzzle of life perfectly
but now we have to find the rest of the pieces of our puzzle together
it will take a lifetime to create a masterpiece
well stare and stare at the puzzle sometimes just baffled
other times well be dazzled with excitement and our eyes will sparkle together
well build bridges togehter
some will be more sturdy than others
well go through different seasons
and maybe some drought
but some will be plentiful and bountiful
sometimes its better to not talk but just try to feel
and be one entity
you are you
i am me
but together we are we
sometimes i may not hear
sometimes i will only see
sometime i will taste
othertimes im unable to smell
but i always want to feel
tell me if im not hearing
tell me what i shouldnt see
let me know what i don't want to taste
but i always want to smell the seasons
lets always let each other know our senses
lets go to a place and describe how all of our senses feel one by one
and experience energy together
its powerful
i never want to hurt you
i promise i will never be unfaithful
i promise
i promise
i promise
i never want to be un- anything
i will always be loyal
i will always be here for you
talk to me
just talk and talk and talk
i love listening
i think im always searching for a key to open your mind
a sight that will open your eyes
a smell that you will never forget
a touch that will make you shiver
a sound that will make you want to close your eyes and float away with and follow
a taste that will remind you of everything good
savor moments
i like to take time to do things to put a lot of thought and meaning into
maybe im a procrastinator but i just want it to be unexpectedly suprising and good and perfect
im slightly a perfectionist
im an unorganized organizational freak
id do anything for you
i might not say it then at that time but i will
i dont like spite
i dont like to feel enclosed
im claustrophobic
physically mentally and emotionally
i like being sporadic
i like being playful and out of line
i like being silly
i like indulging
i love you moo
i love me too
but most of all i love we three
lets make a baby

A minute is longer now...more than it has ever been

Max woke up hungry at 5am this morning. I woke to feed him and lay in bed struggling to fall back asleep. Nothing else would've been able to wake me up, yet, the soft sounds of Max crying does. I think that's part of why I love being a mom. That's a superpower that only women can hold and it is sacred to me. I laid in bed just that much longer than I did yesterday but the minutes have added up over the weeks. I now set my alarm for 6:55, with my clock 5 minutes fast now. I used to set it for 6:30 so I'd wake up before Max and spend time with him in the morning. Now i spend that extra time on myself, for sleep. I'm rushing more and more each day and each Monday morning I can feel the lag from the previous week. It's that much added weight and the amount compouds and grows incrimently over time. What's better than having your husband come home at 7am and you wake up to him being so excited to see you, more than anything else nothing could be more joyous in the world for him than him walking in the door seeing, his wife and son sleeping soundly awaiting his return. Doesn't that just make you feel so good. It's almost too good to imagine, it's near perfection for me. I'm too good at creating perfection in my life. I get what I want then I get boerd and try go create an even higher goal for myself to achieve because I can never be happy with what I have until after I don't have it anymore and I stive to find something better to forget about the past. Why? It just hurts that much deeper the next time. I need to learn quick from my mistakes but this is just taking me a really long time to figure out. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one that is damaged and I need more help but I'm so good at hiding it and pretending and faking it to make it that I forget what is reality and the false smile that I have put on my face. I wonder if I'm the one who has communication problems. If I'm the one that no one knows how to help. It might be appearant that I'm stuggling from a mental illness but no one knows how to approach it so they ignore it and leave me and anyone else feeling alone. I think once you have an illness it will be a life long battle. I won't go to counseling for a year then stop and be fixed forever. It never goes away.

So this next part is an entry from my journal. Jason and I met online through Facebook in January 2008. I found him interesting because he was in the military. I remembered learning in my Peace Education class that we should personalize things, it created passion for me. So when I looked at Jason's profile I realized he was in the military and was currently deployed. I was intriguied to I added him as a friend an started asking him about his job and what he was doing there and how he felt about it politically. Truth is, he didn't give a damn about politics he was just trying to stay alive...little did I know at the time. But he seemed glad to know I asked.

How I've been feeling lately, is PTSD contagious?

I just wanted to write for the sake of writing to someone. Each day of each week it is more and more difficult for me to wake up and get out of bed. I'm extremely exhausted, yet I have trouble sleeping. I have been having ongoing panic attacks and just general paranoia. It is really starting to get to me. I wanted to cry this morning just because that's how much I didn't want to go to work. I have nightmares and vivid daydreams about all of these horrible things happening, or flashbacks of things that I have experienced. I often feel edgy and anxious just waiting for the next catastrophic event to happen. I thrive in crisis and sometimes feel like I seek stress and arguments. I just feel really depressed and the only thing that is motivating me is that I have to be there to solve all of the problems and to make sure my son has what he needs. There was a point in time where I was seriously scared of what he might do in the event that he was drunk and would act out of anger. He even purchased a gun but the sale was denied. It's just scary to see someone you love, their body and face and voice, and for them to be completely taken over by this evil force- alcohol. It's like he would turn into this monster and now that monster is haunting me and I am just waiting in defense until that monster returns. He would get so drunk that he would black out but still be walking and talking and the next day he would remember absolutely nothing. Not his actions or what he said. I feel that therapy has been making me deal with all of these things and now I have no where to run to hide from all of these problems. It's so hard. Now I have to really dig to find the strength to get up and come back to work tomorrow. I just keep thinking that there are always people out in the world that are worse off than me. I feel like I was born into a moderately high privelaged family being white, living in the suburbs, middle-class, etc etc and I sit and wonder about those individuals and families who are marginalized and who don't have the access to resouces and support. I'm lucky to have relatively decent health insurance (for now) and to be able to see a private therapist (for an affordable, to me, price). I feel a little better now.

Using our time and energy in an effective and meaningful way

Today there were several protests against the wars around the City of Milwaukee. All week I was contemplating on whether or not I should participate or just go check it out. I've been on numerous road trips to DC for various things...climate change, the wars, campaigns and I was just thinking would Jason (my husband) appreciate this? After reading Sebastian Junger's book, War, it really made me look at these issues differently and really begin to have different feelings about all of it. I do not support the war, but I support the troops..? Yet, I'll shop at Wal-mart which in some way is inadvertently supporting the war so what good am I REALLY doing. I wonder (alot). Yes, we do have to pick and choose our battles sometimes, but it's to the point for me that there have been hundreds of thousands of men and women that have been deployed, came home, and are now struggling with many, many issues including homelessness, PTSD, AODA issues, etc etc. They need help. I need help as a spouse. Sometimes I wonder if PTSD is contagious. I babble a lot of random ideas and concepts that have been floating around in my mind. This is only a small fragment.

My Inspiration

The two things that inspire me the most in my life are my son and my husband. If it weren't for them, I'm not sure where I'd be right now or how I'd be. I've been having a lot of 'aha' moments lately, sudden and stark realizations about society, life, structures, systems, and so on. Here's an example:

Today I was walking around the Riverwest neighborhood doing some canvassing and distributing RHI surveys. I was at the corner of Clarke and Booth when I saw an older African-American man struggling to walk and even stand up. We passed by each other once and he looked down as I walked by. I turned back wondering if I should offer him something but I didn't know what to do or say. I was at the opposite end of the block and turned around after I delivered all of the surveys. There were two middle aged white men standing on a front porch and they greeted me. Only moments ago did the older African-American pass by. They smiled at me and asked if I was a Census worker and I told them what I was doing. They smiled and nodded and wished me luck and I was on my way. As I was walking away, I heard them whisper some derrogetory comments about the older man that had just passed by as he was struggling to walk and mumbling to himself. I caught up with him and asked him if he needed help with anything and asked where he was walking. For the first 5 minutes I could not make out a word that he was saying. It was unclear to me if he had been drinking or possibly on drugs. I could not smell alcohol so I wasn't sure. It was clear to me though that he was struggle with some sort of mental health issue, exactly what, I was not sure. He was wearing a hat that had several pins, buttons and medals. I couldn't make out what they were but I asked him if he was a Veteran. Our conversation went on for about 30 minutes back and forth and I finally determined that he was drunk, a Veteran, lived a few houses down the block with his younger sister, and wanted help. I didn't know what to do for him, I called 211 and thought they couldn't send anyone and wouldn't have immediate help. I called the non-emergency line and the operator had such an attitude when I said I was calling to try to get this man help. She was mocking me as if I was the crazy one for wanting to help him. I don't think he had any kind of positive human interaction for quite some time. He was so glad that I was asking how he was doing and wanted to know more about him and his story. I walked him over to his house and had him wait for me while I went to my car to get a pen and a piece of paper. I gave him my name and number and told him to call me when he was all straightened out and we'd get him some real help. He began to cry and kept on hugging me. I wanted to cry with him. I left feeling a little better that he could contact me for help the next day. I'll be awaiting his phone call. During this whole episode, neighbors kept staring at me as if I was the one that needed saving. Why would a young white woman want anything to do with that old man stumbling down the sidewalk. For a second, I thought someone was going to call the police because they wanted to help me. Although, they just nodded their head and put their cell phone away as they entered the house next door.

Next time you're out doing whatever you're doing and you see someone that is struggling even the least bit, ask them they're name and if they want help. I really think it would mean a lot to them no matter what the situation.

To add to this, I noticed that he was wearing a hat with certain pins and badges. I discovered that he was a Veteran. I asked him if he had served overseas and his reply was I'm over there all the time, I'm even over there right now in my mind.