I have earned the right to be erratic and irrational

I haven't been able to keep up with my own thoughts lately. I'm too slow for my own mind. Our minds are amazing. It makes me think about how we can treat those with mental illness like trash but if someone had cancer we don't dare insult them. I've recently been introduced to a new way to look at it...the brain is an organ, like any organ that my be infected with cancer, and it is affected by different chemical balances/inbalances in the body from a huge array of things like levels of stress, lack of sleep, poor nutrition- the problems exponentially grow. No one chooses to have a mental illness, just as no one would wish for cancer. Think about your 5 closest friends. Say their names outloud to yourself while you count on your fingers. Statistics say that at least one of them is suffering form some degree of a mental illness. Think about it a little bit more, are there signs or symptoms that you have noticed or picked up on? What have you don about it? I think that's the problem with our society, we pretty much knowingly ignore the signs and symptoms more often than not. What about prevention? I could go on and on. I was thinking today about a right that I feel I have earned. When you become a mother there are certian things you are entitled to, when you become a grandparent the same, etc etc They are unspoken, yet widely accepted things for the most part. Like the grandma is going to spoil her grandchildren rotten because she can and doesn't have to deal with the disciplinary issues surrounding her actions, must be nice. One of these unspoken things is that I feel I have earned with my title as a military spouse is the right to be erratic and irrational, but it's accepted with a mutual understanding of where it is coming from (sometimes). I think it is a coping mechanism, for me anyways. It's interesting to go back and read my journal from over 2 years ago and try to feel like I was feeling then.

On May 15, 2008 at 11:55pm this is what I had to say: So right now I'm waitin for Jmo (one of Jaosn's nicknames) to come back online...he's leaving to go out on a two week mission again in like 10 hours (9.5 hours ahead of time in Afghanistan right now). So, I've come to the partical conclusion that love...or wait, rephrase...that I'm trying to transcend physical need/want and attachment. I'm not sure how to put it in words, but to feel connected to someone on such a level without ever meeting them. I think it's that we're attached to ideas, memories and thoughts of the future. My imagination has been taking this one on a trip...it's funny we just ask/answer questions. It's very much a bonding kind of thing...he thinks I'm funny for just taking it this far with a stranger, but I feel like I know him. I think he's helping me to know and understand myself better, through the development of our relationship, just in general. It's just helping me realize that there is more to having a human relationship that just merely doing actual activities togehter, it's how we socialize and commmunicate kind of going back to the idea that "happiness is only real when shared." He seems like the type that wants to share. I just feel like the stars lined up at a certain moment for us to have started talking, no matter what happens in the end, I think talking to him is helping me overcome my own ego, jealousy and attachment. I'm also being very patient and just thinking about it one day at a time, not allowing it to make or break my day, but just being here now. I still wonder about the idea that young women are attracted to people that are like their dads...it's kinda proven true for me so far, give or take. Fate or free will? Where is the fork in the road or do they work together and complement each other or are they opposing forces?

At the time, I'm not sure I knew what I was writing, but looking back at it now it is much more profound than I originally even thought. Hmm...I'll have to let this marinade a little.